Stay Golden

“I always get to where I’m going by walking away from where I’ve been."
-WINNIE THE POOH

I had three dreams and three pees last night...

Dream 1:

 No one person was completely discernible but it felt like I knew them all. We were in a huge room, a school hall maybe but we were edged into a corner. It was a very enclosed space, dark and with no natural light. This darkness was very much in contrast to the brilliant and dazzling colours these people seemed to be waving (furiously) at me.

 -“Pick this one!” shouted a voice.
- “No, don’t” said another “pick this one!”
- “NO, NO, NOOO! Not THAT one,” yet another voice bellowed
-“Liz! You REALLY need to consider this one!”
- “Liz, Liz, Liz, what are you doing? For Christ sake!” And on it went.

It took a while for this scene to come into clear focus but when it did I could see that these colours, bizarrely enough, were all my coats and my jackets from my wardrobe. Every jacket I'd ever owned and had ever worn being waved at me frenetically by this exercised mob of loved ones- each begging me to pick the one they thought I should wear.  I wasn’t shouting loudly nor confidently back at them, instead repeating over and over again in a clear voice that I had made my decision and that I was going to wear the jacket I had chosen for myself. They, of course, continued to try lovingly convince me otherwise.  All these faces. All eyeballing me – imploring me to go with their suggested jacket.  I woke up, realised I’d been dreaming, went for a pee and went straight back to sleep.

 Dream 2:

I was driving to somewhere, I think it might have been to my godmother’s beautiful home in Cobh. The sun was shining. The road road went out of view. It completely dropped out of sight- like a rock having tumbled from a cliff. Gone. I panicked a little and pulled the car over. I got out and walked a while.  There wasn’t a soul in sight. The road became visible again ahead of me. A giant inflatable children’s slide was plonked boldy in the middle of the dual carriage-way. It was a monstrous structure- huge! And very colourful and inviting. I could see that it had many exits jutting out from it- enormous ones- like tentacles-big enough for a truck. I climbed right up to where a tall shadowy figure of a man was standing. He took my hand and told me I’d be OK and he could help me. He didn’t have a face, it was blurred out, akin to a dodgy dating app photo of the ex- girlfriend. You know the one! I took off my shoes. He pointed to the exit off the giant fun slide, smiled deeply at me and gestured to me to go.  Down I went screechin’ and hollerin’ like a buzzed up sugar -infused child having their first playground experience.  I woke up, realised I’d been dreaming again, went for another pee and back to the snooze fest.

 Dream 3:

I was on a flight. As I settled myself in for take-off a man sitting beside me whose face again, was not clear, turned to me and said “Buckle up darling, this is going to be one helluva roller coaster ride” It wasn’t a figure of speech neither as the words had no sooner slid out of his beautifully formed blurry lips when the plane took off with a blast and catapulted us both up a giant iron incline and off we hurtled through the ups and downs. This Boeing Airbus had magically transmorphed into a high speed transatlantic, eh, rollercoaster ! Yer man was smiling at me, looking cool and calm whilst I hollered and roared like a mad yoke, gulping in mouthfuls of air in between shrieks of joy and fear! I woke up, needed another blinking pee and wondered how I could be dreaming so much in one sitting (read lying) whilst also suspecting a urinary tract infection. Christ.

Before long, dawn made herself known and I rose knowing that my life was finally about to change.

                                                                                    ***

The phone rang. I exhaled a long breath. I stared down at it. It was my boss. I held the phone a little tighter and took another breath and watched the flashing of the screen for another few seconds.  My heart was battering in my throat, yet my mind felt cool, calm and collected like I was watching someone else, not me.  Looking out my old bedroom window into the deep black February night sky I heard myself say: “I’ve come to the end of the road. It’s time for me to resign.” My official resignation letter was sent in the following day and that was surely that. One sentence sealed the deal. How many years of sentences had I uttered, I wondered, contemplating whether or not I would ever or could ever be in a position to say such a thing? My mother is the best woman to answer that question.  She’d say I’ve probably spent half my teaching career talking about leaving one day- that’s a lot of sentences. 

So why oh why oh why would you want to leave something you seem to like and sometimes have loved?

The answer to that, for me, came down to one simple premise- I was spent. I didn't have one single day left in me. Why? Four core issues; my soul, my health, my professional growth and sleepwalking.
My soul: I was bored, jaded, like an old jacket you know is past its best but you keep wearing it because it suits you and you’ve always worn it. It fits, it’s comfortable and it gets the job done- it protects you from the daily storms. 
My health:  I was getting sick- a lot, too much for somebody who didn't smoke 100 woodbine a day or booze like Georgie Best.  
Growth:  I wasn’t developing in ways in which I wanted and was capable of.  I wanted expansion. A new challenge. A new arena. 
Finally I felt like I was beginning to sleepwalk through the days on autopilot. Predictability was scaring me more than its opposite ever did.  

Now, you’d never have known that this was the case because it never showed, I never let it. The children needed someone energetic, motivated and calm to guide them along and care about them, especially the vulnerable pets, of which I’ve taught many. For many of them I was the only sane and loving adult they'd meet all day. But when I wasn’t in teacher mode, I was spending a lot of time in questioner mode- what else is there out there that I might someday do?

So after 17 years of teaching the incredibly funny, challenging, loving and exquisitely unique children of Cork’s beautifully bold North side I have closed the classroom door. It has been a gut wrenchingly difficult decision to make; sleepless nights type difficult, almost needing medication difficult, sobbing on the toilet of a busy bustling Dublin coffee shop type difficult. Leaving my permanent, pensionable, secure, well paid, good holidayed job just two months after selling my safe, warm and colourful little house in my hometown. Was I hitting the self- destruct button? Was this a mid-life crisis? Would I ever know security and certainty again? Would I ever work with such brilliant colleagues again? Tears come to my eyes when I think of not seeing my work colleagues anymore. After so many years of friendships, weddings, births, deaths, illnesses, craic, laughter and comradery I will miss them more than I could ever put into words. They were and still are some of the best work buddies you could have, a diverse melting pot of talents, personalities and world views. I could lie and say that I really miss the kids but the truth is I don’t- not yet anyway- maybe that’s normal. I’m currently too exhausted to miss them but I’ll never forget them and the smiles they gave me when I walked into a room. I could tell in their young eyes they knew I saw them as equals- human beings- just less lived than me. I cared about them deeply, sometimes maybe too much, wishing I could rear some of them myself. They taught me patience- Jesus did they ever? compassion, resilience and the importance of seeking out, nourishing and celebrating your god given talents. They were the real teachers.

 I always knew my life would be big. Doesn’t that sound very up its own arse? But my definition of big is decidedly not up its own arse at all. I mean big, not in terms of any notable fame, wealth or social status but in terms of balls, truth, action. I will always try to lean into the hard stuff, the big decisions, the life changing conversations, the boldness of owning and living your life in a manner true to yourself and your essence. My future is a complete unknown now- I have no solid plan to cling on to anymore. I am on the road to somewhere. I’m not sure where just yet, but I’m going to hug the unknown road with every ounce of gratitude and fun coursing round my body.

 I know very well that this modern thing we call happiness is an inside job, needing constant work, on an internal level but sometimes just sometimes- like now - happiness is external change. A road less travelled. A dream needing pursuing. As I thumb the page over onto a new life chapter it is not the voice of any family member, friend or colleague that guides me nor any great philosopher or guru or psychologist or life coach for that matter, all of whom have helped at various points.

 It is just my own voice now, nudging me forward.

Well mine and Winnie the Pooh.